It's Monday, and Cassie time. Things are moving for Cassie. If you remember last week she was about to talk to Matt, and having a difficult time finding the words. Last week ended with Cassie starting to tell Matt why she wanted to see him. Here's the next installment.
Matt stared at me, his
expression difficult to make out in the darkness. He must have been unable to
see my face either because he stood and headed for the light switch.
In a panic I reached out and
grabbed his arm as he walked by. “Matt, can we not have any lights on? It’s
easier for me to talk to you like this.”
Matt stood still, completely
still. I let my hand drop from his arm, feeling as awkward as I have ever felt
in my life – and given some of the episodes during my marriage, that’s saying
something.
“Do I need to get more wine, or
maybe something stronger like scotch before I listen to what you have to say?”
I shrugged, not sure of my
reception. Not sure of anything in truth. “Maybe, I could use another drink.
This is harder than I thought.”
Without another word he strode
inside, leaving behind an air of something indefinable but definitely not good.
I realized I was wringing my hands and tried to stop myself. Instead I started pacing,
Barney happily accompanying me on my back and forward path.
Had I left it too late? Did Matt
no longer want me? Was he trying to find a way to tell me that and was that why
he needed a drink? Or maybe he knew what I was going to say and needed a drink
because he was going to have to shatter my illusions. That was it, he felt that
I should say my piece, but then he was going to tell me I was too late.
No, Matt was too kind for that.
If he no longer wanted me he wouldn’t make me go through the process of telling
him I was finally ready. He wasn’t cruel. Perhaps going to get a drink was a
delaying tactic, and when he came out he would tell me that we could only ever
be friends. Or - my heart sank at the thought - maybe he met someone new and
was about to start a relationship with her, and needed to tell me so.
It couldn’t be that, I was the
one who wanted to see him. Please don’t let it be that. He must be having
second thoughts about a relationship with me and who could blame him?
As I spun on my heel to begin
the short trek back along the deck Matt emerged from inside. He was carrying a
bottle of scotch and a fresh bottle of red wine in one hand, and two extra
glasses in the other. A wave of emotion swept over me at the sight of him. How
could I not have realized how dear he was to me?
In silent question he lifted
the hand holding the bottles. I cleared my throat nervously, “Scotch please,
not much though or I’ll fall asleep.”
Matt didn’t reply, just set
down the bottles and glasses and poured two shots of scotch, one small and one
generous. He handed the small one to me as I approached, picked up the second
one and knocked it back in one swallow. I stared at him, my own glass frozen on
the way to my lips. I had never seen Matt do that before and it made me even
more anxious.
Matt sighed, reaching out with
one hand to stroke my cheek. It felt like someone gentling a flighty horse, and
worked on me almost as well. I turned my cheek into his hand and felt some of
the anxiety leave me.
“Cassie, you’ll be the death of
me. Don’t worry, I’m not turning into Nathan. I’m dreading what you’re going to
say and needed some dutch courage.”
My heart sank again. He didn’t
want me any more, that was why there was this strange feeling in the air.
“Maybe I should just go home.”
Matt poured another stiff shot,
propelled it down his throat with what seemed to me to be an expert flick of
his wrist (one day I was going to have to ask him about his youth), before he captured
my hand, leading me to the bench seat behind the table. He sat and pulled me
down beside him.
“No, we should get this out in
the open, clear the air, so we can get on with our lives.”
“Our separate lives?” My voice
was small, so small that Matt leaned closer to hear me. His movement brought
his hair near my face. I resisted the temptation to stroke it, instead lifting
my glass to my lips with a shaky hand. Sipping the fiery liquid did seem to
help so I sipped some more.
“We’ll always be friends, just
the same as it’s always been.”
At Matt’s words I could feel
bile rising in my throat. He was rejecting me, saving me the ignominy of
telling him how I felt. He was being kind, as he always was. He was a truly
wonderful man and I had lost him because I waited too long to tell him. I was
crushed, this was not how I imagined the evening would go.
I had to leave, I couldn’t sit
there and pretend everything was fine. I swallowed the remaining scotch in my
glass, grateful for the way it burned down to my stomach. It strengthened my
backbone, gave me the courage to stand.
“I think it’s best that we
forget this night ever happened. I have to go. See you around Matt.”
I put the empty glass down on
the table and turned to leave.
“Cassie? We haven’t talked yet.
We should sort this out.”
I turned back. “Sort what out?
You said we will always be friends. So friends we shall be.” I brushed away the
tears that formed at my words, angry at my emotions. Life was a lot easier
when I was disconnected from emotion. I
turned away again, turned back, hesitated.
“Cassie?” Matt was on his feet,
his expression difficult to read in the darkness but his voice conveying
puzzlement.
“I’m sorry Matt, sorry I waited
too long, sorry I didn’t know how I really felt for so long, sorry I didn’t
tell you sooner, sorry for what can never be now.”
The world swayed in front of my
eyes, whether the effects of the scotch or the tears I wasn’t sure. I hesitated
for a beat longer, then turned and headed off the deck towards the side gate. I
didn’t want to go through the house, I just wanted to get away.
“Cassie!” To my dismay Matt was
following me. Of course he would, inherently thoughtful he would want to be
sure I was ok. I didn’t want him to see how un-ok I was. I ran, reaching the
gate and fumbling with the latch.
“Cassie! Don’t run away, what did
you mean?”
I got the gate open and ran
down path to my house. Barney, thinking it was an adventure, lolloped at my
side and Matt came behind me, still calling out to me and getting closer with
every step. I ran harder, my only thought to get away.
Matt caught me as I reached my
gate. He swung me round to face him but I pulled away.
“Just let me go Matt, I’m fine.”
He wrapped his arms around me
and pulled me close, so close I could feel his heart hammering in his chest,
matching the frantic pace of mine.
“You’re not fine Cassie and I’m
confused. What did you mean you waited too long, what did you mean you didn’t
know how you felt about me? Weren’t you going to say that you don’t think a
relationship between us would be a good idea?”
I stared up at him, shocked out
of panic. “What?”
“Isn’t that the point of the
evening, why you were so distracted and distant?”
“You thought I was going to
tell you we couldn’t have a relationship?”
Matt nodded, a short, stiff inclination
of his head. “Why else would you be so distracted? I mean you even forgot to
feed the dogs.”
“But you said we could always
be friends. You wanted me to know that it was too late.”
Frustration roiled off him in
waves but Matt didn’t move, didn’t change his expression.
“I said that because I could
see it was where you were headed and I wanted to save us both that
conversation.”
I blinked, slowly. And blinked
again. This was too confusing.
“Matt, I wasn’t going to say
that.”
“You weren’t?”
“No. I was distracted because I
was scared of what I was going to say, scared in case it was too late, in case
you rejected me. And then you did reject me.”
Matt’s heart, which had slowed
to a normal rate, sped up again. Mine reacted to his, matched the pace.
“Cassie.”
I stared up at him, waiting for
him to say something else. But he didn't say anything else. He kissed me, like I've never been kissed before.
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