Cassie's Story - Letters To Myself

Well hello there Monday, it's Cassie time. Things are getting complicated for poor Cassie.

Letters To Myself

“He wants to see you? Why?”

Saffron poured herself a cup of tea from the pot on the table between us. It was the same afternoon, and she had not long ago arrived to drop Mark back after picking him up from school for me.

I shrugged. “No idea. He hasn’t talked to me for months, just the occasional text about the kids.”

“Well how did he sound? Did he sound like he’s going to tell you he and Lucy are getting married?”

That annoyed me. “And how exactly does that sound? I should have heard wedding bells in his voice or something?”

“Jeez, no need to get all snitty. It just seemed the logical reason for him to call you.”

I could feel my brows drawing down into a frown and made a conscious effort to stop it. “Nathan and logical are not words I often use in the same sentence.”

This surprised a small giggle from Saffron. “Well that’s true. But you did say you saw Lucy and she’s wearing an engagement ring. Maybe she saw you too and told him, and he felt it should come from him.”

“Maybe.” Even to my own ears I sounded unconvinced. “Well I’ve agreed to meet him on Friday afternoon, after the lunch run.”

“You’re not letting him come here I hope.” Saffron’s voice rose in sharp question. I didn’t blame her, after what happened the last time Nathan had come to my home.

“Definitely not. I’ll meet him at a coffee shop in town. It’s more convenient for me anyway.”

Looking mollified Saffron let the subject drop. She left soon after since Ben was home and she needed to see to dinner, pulling me into a hug before she left.

“Don’t let him suck you back into his web Cassie, not now.”

I snickered at the visual. “He’s not a spider Saffron, and I’m not a fly.”

“He’s a golden orb spider honey, pretty but dangerous, and you were the fly once. Be careful.”

I hugged her back. “I was a fly, I’m not any more. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

Brave words, but inside I was quaking at the thought of meeting my ex-husband, and irritated at myself for feeling this way. I wondered why he wanted to meet. Things with Nathan were rarely straightforward. Perhaps he did just want to tell me about his engagement. But I doubted it.

Putting it out of my mind as best I could I began to get dinner ready.

Friday afternoon I was sitting at a table ten minutes before Nathan arrived. There was nothing unusual about that, Nathan consistently misjudged how much time he had to get somewhere. In his mind everywhere was ten minutes away.

“Sorry Cassie, I had a client go overtime. How are you? You look fantastic!”

I could feel myself blushing, and cursed my fair skin. “I’m fine thank you Nathan. And you?”

Nathan sighed. “Oh Cassie, you know how it is. Everybody wants a piece of me. Everywhere I go somebody wants something from me, wants me to save the day for them. Sometimes I wonder why I have staff, I have to do their jobs for them half the time.”

I had tuned out before he finished his second sentence. It was a familiar refrain. Nathan always thought that nobody would survive without him. Although I didn’t know the circumstances, I was sure the staff were capable and didn’t require his help. More like they were trying to sort out the chaos caused by his forgetfulness. But I said nothing, this was no longer my problem after all.

“Anyway, that’s not why I wanted to see you.”

I felt my stomach drop at his serious tone. For a moment I allowed my imagination to take flight. Was he sick? Did he need an operation or perhaps he had an incurable disease? Was he here to talk about the effect on the kids? Then I reined in my mind, I was being ridiculous.

The table waiter arrived and Nathan placed his order, and mine as well without asking my preference, as he always used to do. It jarred, but I let it go since it was what I would have ordered in any case. I made a small mental note to be less set in my ways, and assumed a pleasantly enquiring expression. At least I hoped that was how it looked.

“Cassie, I wanted to see you because, well, because I need to tell you something.” He leaned forward and took my hand. Too surprised to resist I allowed him to link our fingers.

“Cassie, I’ve done something foolish and impulsive.”

Stifling the urge to ask what else was new I remained silent.

Nathan tapped the ring finger on my left hand with his forefinger. “This looks so bare without my rings. Do you still have them?”

“Of course Nathan. I’ll give them to one of the kids at some stage.”

“Good, good. I guess Mark should have them. Cassie, I allowed Lucy to talk me into become engaged.”

So Saffron was right after all. I felt a pang of regret and sorrow, but ignored it. “That’s good news Nathan, congratulations!”

“Is it really good news? I think it’s a mistake.” He sighed again. “Cassie, Lucy is not you. She doesn’t make me feel the way you did.”

Again I stifled the retort that sprang to mind. Now was not the time to goad him by mentioning my role as his verbal punching bag and sex slave. I contented myself with raising my eyebrows.

Nathan smiled at me, a sweet smile that I remembered from our courting days. I couldn’t help responding as memories of that time flooded my mind. I smiled back.

“You remember don’t you Cassie? How wonderful our marriage was in the early days. You made me feel like I was a king, you were so loving, so kind, so sweet. Lucy, well Lucy is demanding. When I get home she doesn’t have dinner ready and she doesn’t like to sit with me and discuss our day like we used to do. She’s so needy Cassie. You were never so needy.”

Fortunately our coffee came just then and I was able to utilize the time to gather my thoughts and reclaim my hand. I was gobsmacked at Nathan’s memories. I shouldn’t be, Nathan probably believed what he said. Of course he wouldn’t remember me as being needy. I was too busy catering to his every whim, trying desperately to avoid an eruption. We didn’t ‘discuss our day’, I listened to Nathan tell me about his. Everything was all about Nathan, and Cassie was just a prop. Our whole marriage was one-sided.

“Cassie, I miss you. You were the one thing I got right. I never should have let you go.”

Well that was typical Nathan. He didn’t ‘let me go’, he was the one who left. It was the best thing he ever did for me.

“Nathan…”

“I know, I screwed up and I hurt you. I’m so sorry about that Cassie. I’ll never do it again, I promise.”

“Nathan you’ve been with Lucy for over two years. There must be something that keeps you together.”

“Habit maybe. She’s not you Cassie.”

Well no she wasn’t, not yet. But give it time and she probably would be the mouse that I had become. Especially if they were now living together full time as it sounded from what he was saying.

“I don’t know what to say. It’s not me you should be talking to, it’s Lucy. You’re engaged, you should be working out your problems.”

“Cassie I just…I wish things were different. Can we at least be friends?”

“Friends? Like how?” This did not sound good.

“Like meeting for coffee. Maybe seeing a movie every now and then. Sharing a meal sometimes. Just hanging out like friends do.”

It sounded reasonable, it sounded like nothing to worry about. But I felt confused, why was he now making these overtures? He should be focused on his forthcoming marriage.

“Nathan I don’t know. I don’t have much time now, with the new coffee run. Perhaps a meal occasionally, with the kids?”

He didn’t look thrilled at my suggestion.

“Are you still seeing that policeman?”

“Matt? I’m not ‘seeing’ him Nathan, he’s a friend.”

“But I bet he wants more, what man wouldn’t?”

I shrugged, I was acutely uncomfortable at the turn this conversation had taken. I didn’t want to discuss Matt with Nathan, and I didn’t need to either I realized.

“Nathan I have to go, I’ll be late to get Mark from school. Congratulations on your engagement, I’m sure everything will go well for you.”

Nathan looked disgruntled, but he stood when I did.

“Wait for me? I’ll settle the bill.”

I nodded and waited beside the door while he paid for the coffee.

“What do you say Cassie, can we be friends?”

I shrugged. “I don’t mind being friends Nathan, but…”

“Just friends Cassie, like any caring parents would be in our situation. We share a child, well two really if you count Emmerson. It will make it much easier for them don’t you think?”

“Well, when you put it that way. OK, Nathan, friends. But nothing more.”

He grinned like I had just given him Christmas. “Wonderful! I do miss our conversations Cassie.”

I was not so sure, but Nathan in happy mode was hard to resist. I smiled, allowed him to walk me to my car and said goodbye. I was shocked when he kissed me on the cheek, but he grinned again, waved, and walked off. I sat in my car with my hand on my cheek and a feeling of dread churning in my stomach. What had I just done?