I've been a terrible sloth this week, there are no adventures to recount because I haven't been anywhere since Sunday. I've been ensconced in a cosy corner of the kitchen next to the radiator, writing and editing. Not all day of course, but the rest of the time I've been reading. And eating. I'm putting back some of the weight I lost and my ribs are starting to get a decent coverage, my backbone is not digging so uncomfortably into the back of the chair.
And I'm very happy with what I've been writing and where the book is going. And that means that my mind is less cluttered. I know I've tried to explain before how my mind is calm when I write. The jumble of words in my head is reduced, they flow out of my head through my fingers and take up residence in a story or a blog (which is in effect a short story) and the words left don't spin so fast. Of course I know my mind is not really stuffed full of words spinning in circles within circles, but that is how it feels to me. So when some of the circles are used up, those that are left don't spin as fast and my mind is calmer.
If I write every day my mind stays uncluttered and I am less prone to anxiety. So of course in times of stress I should write more often. And of course in times of stress I can't write, whatever is causing my stress over-rides everything else and I can't think about anything.
I don't deal well with stress. I can't eat and can't sleep and can't write and can't think. I lose weight, get huge black circles around my eyes and start to look a bit insane (judging from the reactions of those around me). Possibly I do go a bit insane, it's pretty hard for the brain and the body to function properly when there is insufficient fuel.
I also become stubborn, dig my heels in, retreat down deep into myself and refuse to let anyone help me. I'm really good at that - sorry family members that I cause stress to about my stress! All of those great coping mechanisms I've written about in the past - well hey do as I say and not as I do, right? They went right out the window along with my good intentions. For a while there I wallowed in my misery and stress, back in that hole I promised myself I would not go into again.
Misery is addictive, to me at any rate. There is something almost pleasurable about feeling that all is lost and there is nothing to go on for. Once you get that far down it's really hard to find motivation to get up again. It seems like too much trouble and really it's quite nice down here in the dark feeling sorry for oneself.
To those that have been reading my blogs you will know that I did get myself up and out of that hole, I took the leap into an uncertain future without any of the safety nets I usually put in place for myself. And I don't regret it at all, it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
The days leading up to the leap, well they were hard days indeed, the hardest I have ever lived through I think. I had panic attacks, episodes of WTF am I thinking, and crippling anxiety. I second guessed myself, vacillated and incidentally did probably the worst thought out packing of my life (loads of socks and several shirts but not nearly enough cold weather clothes even with the case I keep here in the loft). But I went, cold feet and all, I still did it.
I did exactly what I should have done, I followed my instincts and they did not lead me wrong. I had not expected such hard days before I left, it was almost like I was being tested, to see if I had the strength to take this step. Or maybe it was just the chaos that precedes change happening inside my mind. Well probably I cannot be matched for sheer bloody mindedness when I decide to do something. So even with the extreme stress I put myself in, I still went. And I changed my life. Well I'm changing my life, obviously a complete life change can't be achieved by just packing a suitcase (badly) and hopping on a plane.
But I have a plan, and I will put it into action and I will make the changes I need to get the life I know now I want. I'm feeling confident I can do it, and happy I found the strength and determination to take that first step. It was scary, but at the same time exciting, at least once I got onto the plane and there was no backing out it was scary and exciting. Before I got on the plane it was just scary.
So I guess my point with this blog is much the same as the last one, except to add to it (and nothing at all about the small dog freaking out about fireworks that was the only vague thought in my mind when I started to type).
To those square pegs looking for a better fit in your life, don't give up. It's hard to make the change, it's hard to let go of the familiar even if it's not right for you. It's really hard to make a total change in your life and you will feel varying stages of panic and anxiety, especially as you take steps to change your life. But don't give up. Those old sayings, they have been around forever for a reason. They make sense and they have a point to make.
Nothing worth having comes easily, you have to work and strive and deal with setbacks to get it, but keep on trying and never give up. It is never, never too late to change your life. It may take a while to figure out what you want and need to be happy. It may take a few false starts, a few mistakes, a few WTF moments, but always keep trying to find your way in the world and remember that the only right path for you is your path.
You are an individual and what is right for you may not be right for someone else. That does not make your path any less right, it just makes it different. Different is good, different is fine. The world would be totally boring if we were all the same. There is no such thing as normal, we are all weird in some way. Just some of us are more weird than others :)
No comments:
Post a Comment