I don't know what the season is in whichever part of the world you, dear reader, is in. Here, while officially still winter, it is pretty much spring. We don't get much winter in the tropics, just a few weeks of cooler weather. We don't get the leaves turning during autumn or the clean green of spring growth. But the feeling of renewal is in the air nonetheless.
This weekend I actually had two whole days off work, and it was a nice change. I spent the time working in the garden, thoroughly cleaning and rearranging the Gamer Son's bedroom and writing. I feel renewed, energised, ready to face whatever the future decides to throw at me. It's amazing what a difference two days off in a row can make.
I am focusing still on letting the future take me where it will, letting life take charge and not trying to control the people closest to me or indeed those not so close. I still don't know if I do this because I am a writer and I spend so much time arranging the lives of every character no matter how minor - or if I do this because I am a strange person who still has not learned to let go of the ego. And let us not forget my fear of the unknown - not knowing what people will say or how they will react and if they will follow the script in my head or ad lib is a big fear and it's the hardest one to overcome. I still haven't. But I read just recently that being confused and afraid is ok, it is part of learning and growth. So I guess so long as I keep the emotional growth and change in sight, the confusion and fear that I feel will fade as I learn.
I don't know, I'm still afraid of launching myself into a new life without my usual coping mechanism of organising every single step of the way and trying to organise the people too. In this new direction I can't organise anything, and while at first it felt freeing, I have to admit it is also freaking me out rather. But I try to remember to do my meditation (still fall asleep within five minutes) and my exercises which I have increased, and I try to tell myself every day that fear is ok, that I am still following the path of self improvement that changing myself and my life is not going to be easy or simple but I just need to keep on going.
My writing has suffered this past while. I write every day, and the next day delete it all and start again. Emotional stress and distress plays havoc with the words in my head. They get stuck or fogged up with all of my anxiety and fear, or maybe they swirl around in my head so fast I can't catch them. But finally, last night, the words started to flow again and my fingers typed things I had not even envisaged. I have had dreams about events further along in the book and so I have the ending pretty much ready to go, and a few events along the way that I only have to blend into whatever my fingers produce each night. But last night lots of elements that will tie the characters and events came flowing from my fingers. It's a really great feeling when that happens, I become really excited and slightly frustrated that I can't type any faster. I don't want to stop but then my brain will suddenly turn off. Can't explain it any other way. One minute I will be typing frantically and the next my brain is exhausted and shuts down. That I write late at night is the main reason for it I am sure, but it feels as though I suddenly run out of words. So I sleep feeling at once calm, satisfied and lighter, but also frustrated that I had to stop.
Writing always grounds me, at least when I don't delete it all the next day it grounds me! So maybe it is the good session last night that is responsible for my mood, and maybe not. I have felt all day that everything is going to work out, that the next step in my life will be the right one for me. That's long winded, to put it another way, I feel that I am on the right path, as though something has touched me on the shoulder and said "you are going in the right direction". Perhaps the Supreme Being has become tired of my abysmal sense of direction and has intentionally made my path narrow and impossible to veer off.
There have been moments in my life when I have felt something like this, and I have known that a life changing event was about to occur. It always has, and it has usually been a good event. The bad ones tend to hit me on the head without warning. So this feeling today, I am taking as a sign that things will work out even though right now I can't see how. I guess I have to have faith, and patience and wait to see what will happen. And definitely not try to control anything!
No comments:
Post a Comment