As a result, having lost a lot previously, now I have lost everything. Life does that, if you don't learn the lesson the first time or the second or the third, it comes back and smacks you upside the head and forces you to learn. So now I stand, with absolutely nothing that meant anything to me. As you would expect, I dived deeper into that hole for a while. It took a lot of effort to get myself out, really I just wanted to stay there.
But hey, I'm alive, I'm healthy, I'm getting fit, it could be worse. Sure I've lost everything. But that's oddly freeing. When there is nothing left to lose, there is no longer any anxiety. It's all gone, it won't come back. Life is now a blank slate so there is no future to worry about, the past is too painful to think about so the only place to live is the present. So here I am, living in the present, taking pleasure in the small things. I no longer try to control anything, there is nothing to control. I am, in the most bizarre way, freer than I have ever been. I am not planning for anything, hoping for anything, waiting for anything. I am even enjoying each day as it happens.
It's weird, but now when I have nothing left to hope for or plan for, I am noticing the small things that make life good. Today it's a nice sunny day, not too hot yet. I have enough money to buy food and the music in the shopping centre was light and boppy. So I bopped :) I have lost a lot of weight since I have difficulty eating so all my clothes are loose and I look better in the mirror (even if there is nobody else to see!). I am exercising to help myself feel better and so I am getting fitter. I have enough work to pay the bills and keep my mind busy.
This may sound like I am depressed but actually I am not any more. I woke this morning feeling pretty good. My son the Gamer brought me a cup of tea in bed as a surprise and the day is a good one. The past belongs right there, with all my mistakes, mis-steps, wrong things said and done. I have learned the lessons I was sent, finally. I have let go, of everything, I have stopped the negative thinking, I have accepted that I can't - I really can't - control things. I feel free and light. The weight of the past few weeks has lifted.
There's no real reason for this, I guess when you hit absolute rock bottom there really is only one way to go and that's up. So I'm climbing back up. I'm sure it won't be easy, I'm sure there will still be moments of regret and sorrow. But I know today that I can do it. I can rebuild my life, I can start again, afresh, and make a better go of my life than I have done in recent times. The sorrow at what I have lost will always be with me, some things can never be forgotten. But I have to move on and up. Life is all about lessons, and while we are alive we never stop learning. I am today, a better person than I was yesterday or the day before or the day before that. Life, for me, is about always trying to be a better person.
On the subject of the book, my fingers are free now and I am writing better and more smoothly, and I am really enjoying it. I am a writer, that is my purpose in life. That is my focus from this day on.
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